Last updated: July 24, 2025
Pirate Ship Is Not My Cult (“we,” “us,” “our,” or “definitely-not-a-cult” “not in an mlm” “psinmc”) respects your privacy almost as much as we respect properly labeled washi tape. This Privacy Policy explains what we do (and mostly don’t do) with your data when you visit pirateshipisnotmycult.com (the “Site”).
Parody Disclaimer: This site is a birthday gift and a joke. Nothing here is legal advice, and if you need a real privacy policy, consult an actual lawyer—not Xena, not John Wick, and sadly not us.
1) What We Collect (Spoiler: basically nothing)
When you wander through our wasteland of gifts, we may collect:
- Basic device info: browser type, approximate location (country/region), pages viewed, timestamps.
- Contact info you voluntarily provide: if you send us a message, we get whatever you typed.
- Log data: standard web server logs. Think “who knocked on the bunker door and when.”
We do not intentionally collect sensitive categories of data like your DNA, your vault combination, or your secret vampire clan affiliation.
2) Cookies (The digital kind, not chocolate chip, since you don’t like sweets)
We may use small text files called “cookies” to remember that you’re the same person who scrolled past our Animal Covert Ops Division. You can block cookies in your browser, and the Site should still mostly work, except for any Easter eggs we hid in session-state.
No Ad Cookies: We don’t run ads, target you across the wasteland, or sell your soul for ammo.
Strictly Necessary Cookies: Make the site not explode.
Analytics-ish Cookies (maybe): If enabled, they tell us which pages people like (probably Exhibits).
3) How We Use Your Info
To debug issues, squash bugs, and tally ridiculous metrics that may or may not be fabricated.
To keep the Site online and functional during zombie surges.
To respond if you contact us (“radio check, over”).
4) Sharing Your Info (We basically don’t)
We don’t sell, rent, barter, or trade your data –not even for 9mm rounds. We might share minimal info with:
Analytics tools (if we turned them on; we probably didn’t). Oh wait, I kinda did! I mean, sorry “we” kinda did.
5) Data Retention
We keep logs for as long as it’s useful to keep the bunker secure, or until we remember to delete them, whichever comes first. If you ask us to delete your info, we’ll do it unless a law (or a very scary AI) forces us not to.
6) Children’s Privacy
This Site is not directed at children under 13 (or whatever age your jurisdiction considers “don’t collect their data, you monster”). If you think we accidentally collected info from a minor, contact us and we’ll delete it faster than John Wick reloads. Since you’re turning like 40ish, or 35ish, I don’t think this pertains.
Contact us
Carrier Pigeon Codename: Jonesy2
CB Radio: Channel 19 – code phrase: “The cake is tactical.”